No Matter What We May Have Planned...

I sat in a small, casual music venue on the campus of Baylor University in the spring of 1972, with my jaw on the floor, my brain in overdrive, and my heart in my throat. There were less than a hundred of us who sat and marveled at the guitar artistry and storytelling brilliance that was and is Don McLean. "American Pie" for which he is forever known, had been released the previous year, so there were a majority of folks present only to hear that song...while others of us who loved "Vincent" and "Babylon" had come to see if there was more beauty tucked away in that distinctive voice and those nimble fingers. McLean did not disappoint, and I heard one of my favorite songs of his, "And I Love You So" for the first time.

I do remember that there was one song on the "American Pie" record, "Crossroads", that was hauntingly moving, but disturbingly unsettling for a young man in the throes of trying to figure out what decisions to make at the crossroads that lay immediately out ahead of him. The plan was to go to summer school and then graduate in December. That would have me finishing college in three and a half years, but that was important because I was putting myself through school since my blue collar middle class parents back in Baton Rouge now had three, yup, count 'em, three, kids in higher education at the same time. I had been a youth minister at a small church on the outskirts of Waco since my sophomore year, had a girl there in Waco I thought might possibly be a future Mrs. Gentiles, was debating the pros and cons of seminary graduate school (both if, and where) and trying to get some read on whether my vocational future was in teaching and coaching, youth ministry, municipal recreation, or as a professional ping pong player...what can I say...I spent a lot of time at the Student Union. I knew the "Crossroads" song from the album, and wrestled with it every time I listened, but on that night it sounded and looked like Don was singing that song right at me... just to piss me off, or maybe to taunt me. I brushed it off, dismissed it as I often did (and still do) things that push me and stretch me beyond the comfortable, but I've never forgotten that song. As it turned out, I did graduate in December, headed to seminary in New Orleans and accepted a position on staff at a church in Baton Rouge (I commuted from BR to NO 4 days a week), retired my ping pong paddle, and the Miss Right in question found Mr. Right...I just didn't happen to be the right Mr. Right.

I have an old turntable here at the house and several times a week I break out the LPs and spin the wax, and last night I pulled out the "American Pie" record for the first time in years. "Crossroads" is the last cut on Side 1, and when I heard the opening piano notes, I stopped in my tracks. I think the reason it was so uncomfortable for me back then is that it messed with, not just my theology, but bigger than that, it messed with my idea of how God was supposed to lay things out for me. I wanted guarantees...I wanted a gameplan...I wanted an assurance that if I made the right choices, that I would have the kind of life I had always dreamed I would/should have. So when, McLean says "So there is no need for turning back, cause all roads lead to where we stand. And I believe we'll walk them all, no matter what we may have planned" it was disorienting. It was also an admission that life was messy and imperfect, and I wasn't ready to hear that.

Well, three plus decades later, my illusions about what would/should happen in my life have changed radically. Divorce, bankruptcy, single parenthood, disappointments in ministry and friendships, shattered dreams, colossal failures, et al., have been tempered with unbelievable opportunities, amazing friendships, a new relationship and a fresh picture of a God who trusts me enough to be a Father and a friend rather than a puppeteer or a travel agent/administrative assistant/miracle dispenser.

The entire lyric of this song is worth reading, so here ya go...

I've got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget. and I've got nothing to regret,
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was? can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain? can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.

So, Don McLean, wherever you are tonight...I'm a slow learner, but I finally know why you seemed to be singing straight to me that night...it is because you were.

Pling...Pling...

dg

Cancer bites...Thomas rules...

So this is my very first blog post. And... I really intended, when I finally joined the blogwagon, to write something incredibly witty charming and powerful...which would never have happened, but at least I intended that way. I have followed the blogs of some of my friends and favorite people and have been encouraged to follow suit by friends and family, but it never happened...until now...Thomas (http://www.thomasbickle.blogspot.com/) has inspired me...Thomas is an active adorable, rambunctious nearly two year old with amazing parents, Scott and Sarah Bickle, who this past week got the gut wrenching news that Thomas's cancer had returned. Yeah, I know... when you are two, the words "cancer showed up" should never have to be spoken, but " the cancer returned" is completely unacceptable. The tumor (ependymoma) was discovered when he was 6 months old, was removed, chemo and then radiation were administered over the next year. Things have been going well lately, until the news this week that a new small tumor had been discovered. There will be surgery early next week and then more chemo for the brave Mr. T. A couple of things come to mind...but mostly I'm just angry...This is not even remotely fair...and if I even hear one of you begin to breath those words "but life's not fair!", I'm gonna clock you with my harp...OK, I don't really have a harp and my Martin is too pretty and of sentimental value to waste even on sensible violence. Still remains...this is not fair...I'm not really mad at God...I am old so, eventually you learn that all of these things you have witnessed and experienced don't match up with a God of mercy and compassion and justice. Which means there is another explanation or God doesn't exist. Because I am old I have a whole lot of stuff in column A that won't let me blow off the notion of God. It just has convinced me that God is not consulting me on every disappointing thing that happens in my life, and we... as really irresponsible tenants in this amazing creation of his really don't deserve our deposits back. We, if fact, have set some scary shit in motion with our "we are rockstars and we can trash the Holiday Inn Express room if we want" attitudes about living in community and being responsible stewards of the planet we call home. And Thomas had absolutely nothing to do with that.

But Thomas still has cancer and I'm still crying tonight for him and Scott and Sarah...and I'm still praying because I still believe that they belong in column A.

Pling, Pling...(that's harp strings signing off...)

dg